There Was an Affair, Now What?


Discovering the person you love the most has shared intimate thoughts or experiences with another, can feel devastating. For both partners. The questions begin immediately.

How could infidelity happen to us? Why didn’t I see the signs of an affair? I never wanted to end our relationship, so why did I have an affair? Should we stay together after someone cheated? Can I forgive? Will I be forgiven? Can I forgive myself?

If you have experienced infidelity in your marriage - or in any relationship - then you know the type of affair doesn’t matter - they all hurt. Breaking the trust you have with your partner by connecting with someone else can happen in countless ways. Sexual affairs are often considered to be those that involve connecting with another person through some type of physical activity - kissing, fondling, sex, cuddling. Emotional affairs don’t always include a sexual component, but often result from building an emotionally intimate connection with another person. These affairs have increased over the years with the help of technology like texting or Facebook.  

Regardless of the type of affair, they are profoundly painful and often blindside us. Couples are thrown into a panic, spinning in crisis, wondering if they can stay together after the affair and if they will ever get past it.  Everything they knew to be true, is now in question. If you are wondering when to seek therapy after an affair, the answer is now.

Providing couples counseling to help couples overcome an affair is important, meaningful work.  Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps couples work through the healing process effectively so you can truly heal and grow, rather than just ‘get past it’ and feel haunted by it forever.  Trust is critical for secure attachment between two people.  Rebuilding trust after an affair requires that you both share your own pain, hear your partner’s pain.  It requires us to explore the journey your relationship was on that led you to this place. It takes slow, gentle work to build the deeper connection that will allow secure attachment to blossom.  There is often an element of grief for the loss of the relationship you knew. However, when supported by a skilled couples counselor, a stronger and more meaningful relationship will bloom through the healing process.

Affairs affect both people in a relationship so it can’t be healed alone. If your relationship is broken due to an affair, we can help. Reach out to us today so we can start working to rebuild trust in your relationship.